i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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