There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
