It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
