I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
