If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
