I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
