i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
