best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
