I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
sex in a hospital.. check
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
