she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
