Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
