I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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