So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
