If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
