You're earring is so big in my mouth
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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