Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
