Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
