Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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