I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
