Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize