don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
