He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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