Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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