i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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