you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
