So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
