i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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