just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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