people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
