Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
