drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
