i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
