i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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