Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
