There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
