Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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