If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize