I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
