i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
