We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
