totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
