I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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