I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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