I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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