i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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