watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
