i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
