i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
