how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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