I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
