I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
