I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
