There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
