I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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