Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
