I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
