party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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